Ron Weasley and the Cliches Upon the Hogwarts Express
by Cheeky Slytherin Lass
Summary: In which Harry has a harem, Draco is part veela and in love with a giggly pureblood Hermione, Ginny snogs everyone, and a mysterious stranger has the answer to everything.:: Cliché!Parody fic.


A/N: This is pure crack induced by boredom and the Laugh-Inducing Potion category in the HP Potions Competition. Warnings: excessive OOC behavior, a blatant disregard for all things canon, and random gaping plot holes. Not your cup of tea? Read anyway. It will give you something to do for five minutes.

Ron hesitated, lingering awkwardly outside the compartment. He hadn't seen Harry over the summer. It was Ron's understanding that Harry had spent the past few months wallowing in a black hole of angst and despair after Sirius' death, and Ron wasn't sure if he could handle seeing his best mate like that.

Slowly, he opened the door and stepped inside to find Harry surrounded by a flock of giggling, adoring girls. "Who are they?" he asked.

"Oh, them? They're my harem. I have a harem now," Harry said. "Harems are cool."

"Harem?"

"Yeah. I was totally depressed after Sirius died, but then he left me everything. But some weird loophole said I needed a harem to inherit it," Harry explained.

"And you just happened to find that many girls to agree?" Ron asked, searching in vain for a shred of logic. "Girls you've maybe spoken to three times in your life?"

Harry shrugged. "I'm rich, and I've grown five inches over the summer, Ron. And, in case you haven't noticed, I've gained muscles and a sexy, disheveled hairdo," he pointed out. "Who wouldn't want to join? Had to break off my steamy romance with my Sevvybunny, though."

Ron felt as though he might vomit. Sevvybunny? He was too afraid to ask.

"But in place of my Snapeykins, I now have Cho Chang, Padma and Parvati Patil, Su Li, Susan Bones, Daphne Greengrass, and Mary Sue La'Beauty Passion Smith-" Harry indicated a perfect girl who looked exactly like the author but without her flaws, "- and Blaise Zabini."

"I thought Blaise was a bloke..."

"Not for this," Harry said shortly. "Really, Ron, if you insist on living in the canon world, I'm not sure that we can be friends anymore. You're too poor and uncool to hang out with me, anyway."

Ron opened his mouth to offer a heated retort but thought better of it. Deciding he needed some semblance of sanity, he excused himself and rushed off to find Hermione.

OoOoO

Ron walked along. "Has to be a dream, right? Or Harry drank essence of stupidity."

He was so busy talking to himself that he didn't realize he'd walked into another compartment until he heard the unmistakable sound of snogging. "Oh, sorry. I- Malfoy? Hermione?" Ron gasped as the couple broke apart.

Draco held up his hands, shrinking back. There were hints of tears in his nervous eyes. "Look, Ron, don't hate me," he said. "I know we've had problems in the past, but that was me acting out due to all my daddy issues. I-I love Hermione, and you're her friend, so I don't want there to be any bad blood between us."

"You- But you call her a Mudblood every chance you get!"

"Silly Ron. I'm not a Mudblood," Hermione giggled, adjusting her makeup and tossing her perfectly straight hair over her shoulder. "It turns out that I'm Voldemort and Bellatrix's secret child."

"You're...what?"

"I'm being transferred to Slytherin this year. And Draco...Well, even though we're cousins now, we're engaged. Marriage law, you see."

Ron silently wondered what a marriage law was. Percy periodically recited every law known to man, and he'd never mentioned a marriage law.

"I was super bummed at first, but when Draco found out he's part veela, he changed," Hermione giggled, snuggling against her apparent fiancée. "He's super sweet and sensitive now, and, like, soooo hawt!"

"You can't be serious!"

Hermione stamped her foot, her flawlessly beautiful face now full of anger. "If you can't accept our love, Ronald Weasley, then you can just piss bloody hell off! Fuck you!"

Draco wrapped a soothing arm around her. "Now, Hermione, love," he murmured, kissing her. "Deep breaths, my beautiful angelic cuppycake."

OoOoO

His head spinning from everything he'd witnessed, Ron decided it would be best to be alone. He opened the door to a new compartment and froze.

Ginny was in a heavy snogging session with Luna, and Colin, Dean, Seamus, several nameless boys and girls, and Gabrielle (who didn't even live in the same country, let alone attend the same school) were all in line, waiting for Ginny.

Ron slammed the door, staggering back and trying to get as far away from the compartment as possible. "What the bloody hell is going on?" he wondered aloud.

Just then, a mysterious girl happened to appear out of nowhere. "I believe the author is attempting to write a cliché parody," she said, her tone implying that she knew a lot of things no one else knew.

"Yeah, well, I hope the author knows cliché parodies are a bit cliché," Ron muttered darkly.

"Oh, she does."

"Who are you, anyway?"

"I'm Jamie Potter," the mysterious girl answered.

"How come I've never met you?"

"I'm incredibly powerful because I'm related to all four Founders, Merlin, Yoda, and the person who created Nutella, even though Harry isn't. I'm actually the child mentioned in the prophesy, and my existence has been kept secret until now due to dramatic plot purposes."

And Ron began slamming his head against the wall, praying a concussion might fix things.


End file.
